can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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