His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
