guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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