she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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