This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
