she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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