I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
