How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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