K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
