My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
