Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think your dad took our porno
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
