My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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