i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
