walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
