Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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