We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
