Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
