I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she peed on how many people?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
