Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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