sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
