Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
