mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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