gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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