I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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