I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
