Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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