I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
