Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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