So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
