you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
