Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
