Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?