I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.