3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."