I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
