if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
