Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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