Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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