"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
