Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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