I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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