i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
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