I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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