Im at strip club and am horny
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
