I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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