Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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