So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you never un-have a 4some
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
