My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think your dad took our porno
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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