we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
