I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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