Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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