I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.