I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk