I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION