Swine flu. Run for my life!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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