I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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