I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
